WHEN IT COMES TO PRESENTING I think our society is ill with perfectionism…This is me at about 5, I was a shy child, self conscious, I was aware of the judgement of life, how we measure and scrutinise each other, I was sensitive. I can say this sensitivity has been the torture of my life, and yet as an expert in communication it is this very sensitivity that has gifted me to see what perhaps others don’t, and to feel where others won’t.
I think this judgement and perfectionism is from our societal conditioning, we measure, compare, analyse, stick each other in categories, boxes, labels, and this is part of our brains wiring that instinctually does this to survive, make understanding of reality and to fit in.
This judgement in me was so invasive - it was like a stalker within me, my very own critique, a judge, a surveillance system dissecting my every action, micro movement, word, intention, it had very high expectations of me, It watched how people and the world responded, and then decided how I needed to behave in order to be acceptable. Freud and Jung might call it the Ego, or perhaps crazy!
A few things to consider, trauma can do this, it creates hyper vigilance - in transactional therapy they call this the adaptive child, the part of us that’s looking always to please so as to feel safe, to keep harmony, and to survive, or another view is nervous attachment, whatever we call it, it’s fucking exhausting.
Another aspect I believe is important to mention, is the Greek myth of Narcissus, ( because we might associate this behaviour as Narcissistic, this continual relationship between self absorption and people pleasing), Narcissus stared so much at his own reflection into the pool of water, he was so in love with himself & fixated on the beauty of his reflection that he fell into the water and drowned. Acknowledging this intense self perfectionism could be connected with selfishness and… it has been my journey, where I have learnt my trade, to understand my self and THE SELF.
What does this have to do with presenting? Please bare with me. Gary Zukav in his loved book Seat of the Soul, explores this ancient story of Narcissus from a beautiful perspective, he shares that this self obsession in time takes us to question our true identity, the very fabric of reality, and our TRUE nature- LOVE, if we look long enough, we have the opportunity to question through the filter of love, or unconditional positive regard as Karl Rodgers stated. This is what happened for me, over years of performance anxiety and self criticism. As a performer I learnt first hand the total and utter experience of that harsh judge, I felt the audience to be like a Mob who were thinking the worst of me, it crippled my freedom, spontaneity and joy, I did ask myself why I put myself through it, because I believe there is a desire in each of us to be free and reach our potential which we can feel within us. Through 40 years of performance experience, not through books, although I have read many, I found that it is me who judges, I am the judge and the outside world or the “audience” if we are talking about speaking to the public are merely a reflection, a mirror of what i believed about myself.
Here are my insights and some gifts for you if you want to be a great presenter/performer and a little freer.
THE FILTER OF LOVE The judge will never be satisfied, because it looks through the filter of perfectionism. We can never reach perfect- because there is distortion on what perfect is. Have you heard the concept of my back stage ( ie, all my fear, neurosis, shadow) is judging/comparing my worth to everyone else’s front stage (ie their persona’s, the perfect mask they construct to be acceptable to the world) of course I’ll never meet that standard.
When we start to see ourselves through the filter of love, we see that our story, our whole self, shadow and all, is the beauty that made us us, and that uniqueness is our gift to the world.
2) YOU ARE ENOUGH The most attractive beautiful engaging qualities in human beings is our humanity, our imperfections, our frailty, our little quirks, as a communicator this is what connects us to our audience, the audience longs to see itself within the speaker or artist. This is the stuff of great film, story, music, poetry. This is the beauty in art. Why do we love chat shows? Because we want to see the perfect “Stars” being asked questions that give us a glimpse into their “normal life” we long to see their humanity.
When you are authentic you give others the permission to be authentic too.
3) YOU HAVE SKILLS Your experience is unique, your perception, what is meaningful to you, and we need to hear it, as it may trigger ideas and transformation in us. When I realised that being “imperfect/authentic didn’t mean I wasn’t an expert, it didn’t mean that I wasn’t great at my job, for example I could forget what I was saying, not remember a name, and, I could still be great at what I did.
My life and life experience in the field that I am passionate about is my expertise.
4) YOUR GRIT IS YOUR GIFT To understand that you can turn this grit into a gift, your challenges, struggles, your humanity, that’s where the gold is, this is your pure experience. Ram Dass says “It’s the Grist for the Mill”, Yogi Bhajan “That it’s the pressure that creates the diamond”. All that you’ve been through good and bad is your expertise- your learnings. This is big… How can you when presenting, shift your mindset from one of fearing being seen, to “how can I be of service”? How can I truly connect with the audience and design my material to serve them? Making it all about them, not in the “They are judging me” way BUT… I am judging them, and tailoring my behaviours and messages to really find ways to connect and serve them in the moment.
5) CURIOSITY THE ANTIDOTE TO CONFIDENCE What we love more than anything in a communicator is confidence, the dictionary definition describes it as “To have faith in someone, something, or yourself”. Faith in your story, your journey, and belief that if you don’t know the answers you can have the confidence to be open enough to want to learn something, to be open enough to be curious on how you can grow. When you’re up there “presenting” seek to understand, yes to be the one who is sharing great content and at the same time opening a space to discuss and learn. In a philosophy class many years ago we explored the idea that
The natural “In Between” is love, and all that other stuff is projection- so connect to love, and How can I be of Service?
6) PRACTICE MAKES AUTHENTIC If I had a quid for every time a client says to me, yes but it comes naturally to them, I would say maybe 1 in 1000 people are "Naturals", the usual truth is that really great communicators have worked hard at getting good. We have to put ourselves out there, create situations to get that practice, then examine how well did with a growth mindset, looking at what we did well first, then, and only then how can we lovingly improve. I say this as it’s so easy to slip into the judgement process, but we must remember that as we are learning, harsh judgement cripples. FINALLY…What if you could begin to find your unique style of communication, your “perfect imperfect”, your refreshing authentic self, of course with all the preparation in your field of knowledge, and with the confidence that you are enough. You are an act of service sharing your ideas.
The word authentic has the beginnings of the word author within it, so be the author of your story and share it as a communicator, weave your experience into your communication, own it, warts n all, and do not wait for the audience or anyone else to give you permission, authorise yourself.
Thank you! Amen. x
